As we prepare to go back to school, my youngest - who prefers to be addressed as 'Astrid these days - is gripped with anxiety about entering kindergarten. I think she understands that nearly all kids feel at least a bit of trepidation about kindergarten. Still, witnessing her struggle is pretty much heart-breaking for me. She has always communicated so much to me with just her eyes. I immediately recognize the look that says "I'm trying so hard to keep it together, Mom, but I really need you to tell me it's ok to cry and hug me tightly so I can feel reassured and safe because you do understand my feelings". My oldest, who is now entering 3rd grade, was certainly nervous at this stage - and is again a bit nervous to begin a new year - but it was a vastly different strain of nervous.
The fear strikes 'Astrid" with greatest intensity at night, at bedtime. Some nights our discussions seem to bring her some relief. Last night, she brought the conversation to a new, sort of metaphysical level. Just a small piece of our conversation went something like this:
her:Mom?
me: Yes?
her:Sometimes it seems like I don't know what is real. It's sort of like a dream. Like I'm in a dream. It doesn't all make sense. And I wonder things.
me: What kind of things do you wonder?
her:Things like.... who am I?..... why am I even here at all? Do you ever wonder things like that Mom?
me: Yes, Sweety. I sure do.
It was one of those nights that did seem to bring her some comfort, which means it brought me comfort as well. No quick remedy for this one, nor should there be. So, for now, we'll enjoy what remains of summer and continue our discussions. Next summer, I expect she'll have many new things to teach me. I just hope to remember who she was in the summer of 2011.
WOW! wow what an amazing little person....
ReplyDeleteI love it when they put their anxiety into words. My Fin had no worries about kindergarten (last fall) but today, when I brought him to his first karate class, he was afraid that it would be in Japanese and he doesn't speak Japanese.
Ruby was in Mandarin Chinese class several years ago and was very confused. She told me after the first class that she thought she understood why she felt so confused and went on to explain that it was due to the fact that she doesn't understand Chinese. Such relief when I explained that the other kids didn't either.
ReplyDeleteAnd, Iris, my anxiety-riddled pre-k'ster... is now heard daily muttering, "honestly woman!", while shaking her head in dismay. Can't say I have ever used that word pairing.
Yes, these little people are amazing.